I figured it out… We have seen Sarah Palin single handedly attract people other than old white men to the GOP. How did she do it? This is no easy task; the GOP is not only boring but it’s also mostly responsible for running the US into the ground for the past 8 years. Palin is just like a high school cheerleader and through using her cheerleading powers she has rallied a fossilizing party. Don’t be surprised when a youtube video featuring a Latino man titled, “I have a crush on Palin” is released.

5 Reasons Palin is like a Cheerleader

She’s hot

- She is close enough to looking like Tina Fey that it gets most men excited. With her hair up and her little glasses, She looks like a stripper dressed like a school librarian and it works. As far as wanting to sleep with her, republicans want it most when she is talking about abortion or guns. Democrats want it even more during these same times, if only to degrade her.

She’s a bimbo

It was 6 years and 5 schools before she got her undergraduate degree from the prestigious University of Idaho… that’s a bachelor’s degree, again - not doctorate. After graduating she spent a short period of time reporting sports (not that that makes her dumb but I think we would all agree that Erin Andrews isn’t a sideline reporter cause she’s brilliant). Palin went on to open a car wash. This did not last long however, as she did not pay taxes and was forced to shut it down. (In this case you could argue that she wasn’t a bad business woman but instead a sleezy tax evader – think what you want – either way she received a letter from the state of Alaska with her name printed on the letter head that she was going to be shut down for not paying taxes). She dots her i’s with smiley faces. She honestly thinks the world is only 10,000 years old… honestly. Finally, when talking about Iraq she said, “there is a plan and that that plan is God’s plan.”

She’s the most popular female Republican

- After her speech - I think several people forgot who the GOP candidate was. She is the GOP’s version of Obama when it comes to public speaking. She is seemingly funny, quick witted, young and attractive – all of these things make her popular. Just like in high school these qualities make her loved by some and hated by others. She would definitely be at the top of the pyramid.

She seems obtainable in a hard to get kind of way

- As far as appearance, she looks both smart and innocent. She is also a strict conservative and very religious. On the other hand; her kids drink and look to be easy, there are rumors about her having an affair, and she has agreed to pose for playboy if she loses the election[1]. So, behind that warm smile is a cold soulless woman and behind that cold soulless woman is an easy cheerleader who will give it out to any guy who knows the combination.

She’s a bitch

- She publicly mocked community volunteers claiming, “They have no responsibilities.” While she said it was her daughter’s choice to keep her baby, she doesn’t want any other American to have that same choice. She has tried to ban books from libraries in Alaska (I knew some bitches in high school but none of them ever tried to ban books!). She’s a former member of the AIP, a group whose goal (among other things) is to secede from the United States. It has also been documented that she hates puppies, cheese, and baseball.[2]

The Democrats have money, star power, the press, and most importantly they don’t have Bush. Yet they are dead even in the polls with the GOP – and why? Because of a snotty, cheerleaderesque, bitch named Sarah Palin.

[1] This may be a fantasy of mine

[2]I am assuming this is true…

This post actually started off as a joke, but now, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve actually stumbled upon a good idea. The more I gave it some thought, I realized the idea has some merit. Yes, it is definitely far-fetched. The logic has a dozen holes in it. And even in the bizarre world of American politics, this would never gain enough momentum to crash the party system. But I cannot help but wonder “what if”…

With the Vice Presidential choices leaving many scratching their heads and contemplating “what the f*** was he thinking?”, perhaps this is the perfect opportunity for a new set of candidates to emerge in the race for the presidency. Introducing…. Clinton/Romney 08.

The Revenge Ticket. A campaign centered around a “F-you for not picking me as your VP” theme. Clinton’s big health care plans. Romney’s economic wizardry. Clinton’s appeal to female voters. Romney’s appeal to all voters named “Mitt.” This is the perfect third party ballot. It has drama, it has excitement, it has feminists.

We’ll give Hillary the nod for President based on her bigger persona and ego. Romney can step back and take the Cheney role as the Man Behind the Man. And thus Capitol Hill will have its new Dynamic Duo.

With a staggering number of flaws and weaknesses in the Democratic and Republican nominees, the Revenge Party may even be able to quickly gain some momentum. I would suggest they focus their campaign on destroying their opponents. Obama has little experience. Palin has even less. McCain is Bush 2.0. Biden has a number of controversies attached to his name.

This is where Clinton shines. She was at her best when savagely attacking Obama. I may not be a big fan of her policies (or her in general), but I could not help but admire the way she picked apart Obama’s weaknesses and exploited them. Simply ruthless. She wouldn’t have gotten my vote, but she got my respect (and do this day I have nightmares involving Hillary Clinton exposing my insecurities to the world).

All Hillary and Mitt need to do is the following:

1) Keep from butting heads with each other. Both come from separate parties, and both have big egos. All they need to do is play nice and pretend to get along for a couple of months.

2) Take the middle ground. Avoid stereotyping themselves as a member of either party. Be the wildcard. They just need to say ambiguous things like “Maybe we’ll raise taxes slightly. But we’ll just offset those increases with tax reimbursement checks. Less immigrants, more jobs. Better healthcare, and better wages, too. We’ll give peace a chance. We’ll hybridize the nation. We’ll save the ozone, and the economy too. We’ll address abortion later, but trust us, we’ve got some good ideas in mind that will please everyone. Oh, and free t-shirts for everyone! USA! USA! USA!”

3) For the love of god, keep Bill Clinton away from the media. He’s best when neither seen nor heard.

Again, this idea seems a bit farfetched, but you cannot argue that this would not scare the hell out of both John McCain and Barack Obama. I, for one, think this would be entertaining at the very least. Hillary, Mitt, go for it! Your respective parties rejected you, and now it’s time to exact your revenge!

- AJ